If you’ve been following the recent news story about little James Younger (in pieces like this and this from LifeSiteNews), you may have recently learned that James and his twin brother Jude were conceived via donor eggs. James’ “mother” isn’t his biological mother. (Why she was given exclusive control over this kid’s medical decisions and primary custody makes no sense. The father is at least the biological father.)
Here is a piece from the Federalist about how this might matter: Why It’s Probably Not A Coincidence That The Mother Transing Her 7-Year-Old Isn’t Biologically Related
It’s worth a read.
I ran across this article because Lila Rose, founder of pro-life group Live Action, had shared it. It’s conclusions are unsurprising. I’ve read plenty already about how children who grow up in ANY family configuration other than two married biological parents don’t do as well in many areas of life, this has included how donor and in vitro conceived children grow up feeling unsettled, if not actually unhappy about how they came to be — even feeling this way if they weren’t told as kids about it. When I read that James Younger’s “mother” wasn’t really his biological mother, I thought: Aha, that explains some of this! He has always just been a product, a “commodity” to please her from the beginning. She paid for him after all; doesn’t she “own” him? Doesn’t she have a “right” to get what she wants — which in this case is a girl or maybe she really wants a trans-kid because then she’d be the wokest pediatrician ever?
What did surprise me was the backlash of adoptive mothers against this article. Many left comments criticizing the article and/or Lila Rose for posting it. The comments can be summarized as this: But I’m an adoptive mother and I love my child just as much if not more than most biological parents! Some bio parents are bad parents! How can you say this? It’s trashing adoptive parents and pitting bio and adoptive parents against each other! I thought you were pro-adoption!
Good grief, people, it’s not about you! Maybe this is a just a symptom of how self-centered and excessively sensitive people have become. The article is quite clearly NOT knocking adoption. Selfishly creating children through any means necessary to please yourself is not the same as adopting a child who, through no fault of their own (the child’s or the adoptive parents’), ended up without a set of loving biological parents.
One conclusion of the article can be summarized thus: “biological parents are normally the best parents.” That doesn’t mean they always are or that non-bio parents never are. It means just what it says: normally — as in most of the time, in most situations.
Knowing a few adoptive parents, I know that it can be hard. Children, even when adopted very young, can have a host of attachment and adjustment problems. And later in life it’s no easy thing to come to terms with the fact that your own biological parents did not want you — no matter how much you love your current “real” adoptive family or appreciate that at least your parents gave you life and may have been trying to do their best for you (in the best case scenario).
It’s not the kids’ fault. It’s not the adoptive parents’ fault. But it’s going to be harder and the kid is more likely to struggle in life. But it’s a whole lot better than living in an orphanage without a loving surrogate family. It doesn’t have to be a perfect life to be a good life. We can acknowledge that and still have plenty of struggles to work through. Life is often not ideal and we have to make the most of it and do the best we can to fix or compensate for messy circumstances and not having the perfect settings. But that doesn’t mean we need to run around creating bad circumstances to begin with — like these poor “designer” kids who will never have the best situation for them: living with their own, two biological parents.
These adoptive mothers who are freaking out about an article not about them need to stop being so insecure (although maybe that’s part of the problem with adoption — you don’t feel as secure as a bio family). Do you love your kids with all your heart? Would you do anything for them? Great! Carry on. No one’s criticizing you personally when they point out statistics that kids do best with their biological parents. I’m pretty sure that deep down you know that your kids would have done the best with biological parents who were stable and loving enough to have kept them.