Please, God, Stop Chelsea Clinton from Whatever She Is Doing
Amid investigations into Russian election interference, perhaps we ought to consider whether the Kremlin, to hurt Democrats, helped put Chelsea Clinton on the cover of Variety. Or maybe superstition explains it. Like tribesmen laying out a sacrifice to placate King Kong, news outlets continue to make offerings to the Clinton gods. In The New York Times alone, Chelsea has starred in multiple features over the past few months…
One wishes to calm these publications: You can stop this now. Haven’t you heard that the great Kong is no more? Nevertheless, they’ve persisted. At great cost: increased Chelsea exposure is tied closely to political despair and, in especially intense cases, the bulk purchasing of MAGA hats.
At first glance, of course, Chelsea seems to be boasting that at age five she was interpreting the news with the maturity of an adult. But we should consider whether it’s instead a confession that as an adult she still interprets the news with the maturity of—well, let’s just submit that perhaps she thinks what other people tell her to think.
It doesn’t seem like that there’s much too Chelsea Clinton. She’s hollowed out, conditioned by a life with Hillary to mouth the right fluff and do exactly what she’s supposed to. There’s rumors after all that she had a kid so Hillary could humanize herself with the “grandma” angle.
As Hillary begins more and more to resemble a mummified corpse, the obvious thing to do is replace her with a younger more attractive version which could appeal to the younger generation. Look at this picture of Chelsea; it’s like they’re trying to make her look evil. (Next we’ll find out that the Rodhams actually hail from Innsmouth way.)
Chelsea Clinton is never going to be anything more than a flesh puppet. But once Hillary passes on to her just deserts, what hand is going to be operating that mouth? Nah, Hillary’s going to pull an Ephraim Waite just you wait and see. —Ephraim—Kamog! Kamog!—The pit of the shoggoths— Ia! Shub-Niggurath! The Goat with a Thousand Young!…
Of course the article has a different reason for wanting none of Chelsea:
God has decreed that American political dynasties decline sharply in suitability for office with each iteration. Call it the George H.W.-George W.-Jeb rule. Quit after the first iteration. Don’t trot out the second one. And, for the love of God, don’t trot out the third. Forgetting that rule harmed the Democratic Party in 2016 and blew up the Republican Party entirely. The Democratic Party is surprisingly cohesive these days, thanks to anti-Trump sentiment, so a Jeb-style destruction is unlikely. But never say never. If anyone could make it happen, Chelsea could.
If she weren’t some kind of demonic doll, that doesn’t sound so bad.